By Dejan Cabrilo - My grandmother paid me a visit this morning. Usually, I drag my feet away from the bedroom when I have to open the front door that early, but this time I was already out of bed and worked up.

— My dearest grandson! — grandma was happy to see me — I just came back from the mountain cottage, and look what I brought you. It’s rose hip tea!
— Rose hip what? Don’t you know what day it is today!? — I wasn’t anywhere near being polite. — It’s December 10th, the day when Kosovo negotiations end. They are going to declare independence!
— Oh, but I dried and dehydrated the tea myself. It will be great for your diarrhea…
— What’s wrong with you, woman? It’s our fatherland’s sovereignty and territorial integrity at stake, and you are talking about my diarrhea!?

As I demonstratively walked away, the phone rang. It was my boss.

— Erm… yes… can you update me on the status of your last project? We agreed you were supposed to have finished it by last week, no? You will receive the New Year’s bonus and I thought…
— To hell with your project and your bonus! This time next week, our country might be no more! Let alone Christmas and New Year!

The phone line was quiet for a minute, then I heard a gasp followed by a conversation of several muffled voices. Another moment of silence and a click.

Afterwards, I spent most of the day reading newspapers and writing strongly worded letters to editors, until my father called me for lunch. He took great pleasure in preparing hearty family meals once a week.

— Son, I cooked the best bean soup with nettle. Why don’t you buy a loaf of bread, so we eat the lunch together?
— What are you talking about!? Loaf of f***ing bread??? —I couldn’t believe my ears. — There are Serbian children starving in Kosovo and you are putting nettle in beans! Nettle stings!
— That’s not the way to talk to your father! — my father said — And I threw away the first water.
— Well, — I said — I won’t take part in your traitorous supper! Judas!

With my spirits all but broken and my faith in humanity long gone I walked up the street to my girlfriend’s place — a brave Serbian woman with large hips who is one day going to give a gift of life to many soldiers who will give that very same gift to their fatherland. I knocked on her door and was soon greeted by her angel-like face. She said:

— Hi! How are you? I wanted to talk to you about something. You know this problem we have had with premature ejaculation? I talked to some friends, and they suggested you should try thinking about something else during the intercourse… Say… something to keep your mind off of sex… Why don’t you try thinking about politics?

 

This piece was written on 10 December, 2007, the day Kosovo status negotiations closed at the UN. Dejan blogs regularly from Belgrade at www.anegdote.com.